Shadow Work: Exploring the Shadow

Step into the shadows with us as we reveal how confronting the unseen aspects of ourselves can lead to profound healing and empowerment. On Her Cup Overflows, we open up about the intense yet rewarding process of shadow work, and how it invites us to face the daunting yet liberating challenge of personal growth. Like unlocking Pandora's Box, this episode promises to guide you through the complexities of your inner psyche, equipping you with the superpowers needed to navigate life authentically. We don't just scratch the surface; we're here to dig deep into the roots of our suppressed traumas and liberate the strength that lies beneath.

As your guide, I share my own journey as a Capricorn Sun, mapping out the cosmic interplay of Sun, Moon, and Rising signs that define our unique personalities. I reveal how these celestial influences act as the puppet, puppeteer, and stage in the grand performance of our lives. Through my experiences, you'll see how critical exact birth details are for charting a course in astrology and how journaling can serve as a compass for self-reflection. By embracing the tools of astrology and writing, we set sail on a voyage of self-discovery, navigating through the stars of our innermost selves.

Finally, I offer you a treasure trove of practical tips to foster healing and growth. We discuss the real talk about meditation, therapy, and the rejuvenating power of Reiki as we chart a course through life's squalls. I share invaluable insights on how to find the perfect therapeutic match and how to recharge your chakras, ensuring your emotional and spiritual batteries are full. This episode is not just about identifying opportunities amidst the chaos but seizing them with a language that crafts a positive reality. So, fill your cup with the wisdom shared today, and prepare to set sail towards the boundless potential that awaits.

Chapters

• 0:02 Her Cup Overflows Intro
• 2:19 Understanding Shadow Work
• 7:17 Real Life Example of Shadow Work
• 14:00 Shadow Work and Self-Discovery Tools
• 31:45 Recognizing Triumphs Through the Shadow Work Trials
• 37:49 Self-Discovery Prompt
• 42:49 Reiki Collective Message

Transcript

Welcome back to Her Cup Overflows podcast. I'm your host and cultured certified Reiki master, Qwanze Tolbert. If you're new here or you chose to circle the block with me, I thank you and welcome you just the same. Her Cup Overflows is a listening community of healing for the mind, body, and soul. Each episode is a timeless conversation overflowing with wisdom to fill your cup with resilience, courage, and empowerment.

These conversations are inspired by real life experiences, the traumas, and the triumphs. But it wouldn't be a place for healing if I didn't hold a safe space for trauma without judgment, but with accountability, honesty and commitment. Because in those three things lies your superpower to overcome life's adversities and that new energy becomes the catalyst to you living out loud, living freely and unapologetically on your terms.

That is Her Cup Overflows.

So, let me start by apologizing in advance. If you hear any raspiness or a little Barry White voice creeping in, it is still your good sis. Pollen is outside playing tricks all on me right now, but it's all good. We definitely going to get through this together.  So, this episode is all about shadow work. I thought it was so timely in my podcast journey to talk about shadow work, because it is the number one question that I get asked, what is it followed by how do I start doing shadow work as part of a healing journey?  

And I will say, if you are curious and have listened to episodes one and two of Her Cup Overflows and completed, or at least work or thought about the self-discovery prompts from each episode, you are already doing shadow work.  And I'm proud of you!  If you haven't been following the prompts, that's okay. And if you're just curious about shadow work, then I can definitely say that you are sharing the right moment with me. Shadow work like a lot of spiritual things these days have become very popular on social media. If you're on Tik ToK, I'm pretty sure you saw the black and white shadow work journal that went very viral at one point. Even I bought one to gift to someone else and I'm not really a trendy person. But so many people were recommending it. 

They were buying it from the Tik Tok shop and making videos to share their testimony of how healing it has been to use the shadow work journal to uncover the traumas and the emotions that they have suppressed throughout their lives.  The thing that I love about social media is that you have individuals who are very open to sharing testimonies like that, to inspire others, to do the same. But the thing that I also do not love about social media is that we don't always get the full truth. 

And so this moment for me is very important to share with you what I know about shadow work from my studies. But also from my own personal experience because while it is such, such an amazing thing,  It is not an easy thing to do which is why I caution everyone who asked me about shadow work to only do it when you're truly ready… like ready in mind, body and spirit because it's going to involve all of that.  And I don't say that to scare anyone. Because if I can do it, you can do it too. But I say that to help you best prepare so you know what you're getting into. 

So, I mentioned before about shadow work being Pandora's box which is known for something that contained evils, problems and misfortunes, but also held hope and blessings.  So to share a little Greek mythology behind Pandora's box. So Pandora's box was originally a jar, but throughout the years of translation, it eventually turned into a box… either way a jar, a box. 

It was sealed with evils, misfortunes, basically all the problematic things of the world.  But it also contained hope and blessings buried deep within the jar. And the story goes like at the Prometheus stole fire from Heaven. So, Zeus, the King of Gods, was like "well, I'm going to get my lick back by introducing Prometheus brother, Epimetheus to Pandora, the first woman of the earth. And with Pandora came this jar that she was gifted by the Gods. Well curious Pandora opened the jar and outcomes the troubles of the world, much like Eve eating the apple.  So she quickly closed the jar, unknowingly leaving behind hope, blessings, optimisms and all the things that we like to experience  as a human beings.  

Now a couple of things about this Greek myth for me. Why did the gods have to use a woman as a lesson to be learned and give her with the troubles of the world as if Mother Nature hadn't already done her big one and bless us so abundantly…  yeah, insert deep eye roll.  But this also brings to mind how karma really is that girl!  When people do deceptive malicious things, just wrongdoings to others, karma is not limited to just getting that person back directly. She will show up in your kids' lives, your parents' lives, your siblings, your health, your money… wherever she is felt the most. 

So we just gotta be careful about how we are out here playing with God's children, okay! Karma ain't loyal but she is! 

Back to the Greek myth of Pandora's box… so shadow work is no different. It's like a light without a switch. Once it's on, it's really on. And it becomes a part of everything you do. Meaning shadow work reveals the learning lesson in every experience you encounter once you start to practice it, intentionally or unintentionally. But even with speaking about all the misfortunes and the wrongdoings and things of Pandora's box like I said, it also held hopes, blessings, optimisms all those great things too. 

And shadow work has by far has been the greatest reward in my healing journey! So let's talk about it.  

Okay. So what is shadow work? If we break down the two words: In psychology, the shadow is an unconscious part of the personality that leads to conflicts between who you are and who you want to be in the conscious state.  The word "work" in shadow work is the practice where you unpack the things of your shadow that contribute to those conflicts, such as suppressed traumas, limiting beliefs, emotions, unhealthy mindsets, and the likes. 

So this is a safe space, right? I am going to be real transparent and give you an example of what shadow work looked like for me.  So back in a day, I was the Queen of Reads. Like reading someone for filth and cussing someone out should have been a day job cause your good sis would have been wealthy, like wealthy for generations to come.  And it was my defense mechanism, right, wrong, or indifferent because it was like, let me get you before you get me type of protection thing in my mind.  In the wrong and indifferent times, I unconsciously knew better, but I consciously chose to show up in that shadow energy only. I could be dead wrong, like knowing that I'm wrong, but wasn't going to apologize because I felt like it made me look weak.  And the last thing I was going to do was allow you to see me weak and let you take advantage of that. 

So that wrong feeling and knowing would just stay between me and God.  Once I started doing shadow work, this was one part of my shadow that I needed to unpack. I had to question myself, why did I feel the need to be that protective of myself in that manner all the time.  And I distinctly remember using the 5 Whys method with this. I actually still use the 5 Whys method today in work and out of work wherever I need to. 

But it was a part of my shadow work back then. And the 5 Whys is a method where you identify a potential problem and you break it down by asking five subsequent whys to the answer you gave to identify the problem's root cause.  

So my problem I identified was...  feeling like I needed to curse somebody out or read them for filth,  no matter how minor the problem.  So my first, why is, why do I feel I need to do that?  And my response was because that person did or said something I don't like. Okay. My next, why was…  well, just because someone says something you don't like or do something you don't like, why do you feel the need to curse them out? And my response was because I need to speak up for myself.  So my next, why is, why do you feel the need to speak up for yourself? And my response is because if I don't, no one else will.  So then the next, why is, why do you feel like no one else will speak up for you? And my response was because that's the experience I've had in life, where people had left me hanging and I felt unprotected.  And so my last, why is, well, why do you feel unprotected?  

And when I got down to the answer of that, it was because as a child throughout teenage years, and somewhere in my young adulthood as well,  I feel like I was abandoned by individuals who were needed at certain times and they weren't there. So I had to protect myself from feeling that fear of abandonment again. So I had to get people before they got me.  

Now, let me just say it is so amazing how one thing is very relevant when it seems irrelevant to another, when you're on your healing journey… like everything is connected in some way.  I don't think without doing this part of my shadow work, that I would have been able to connect my need to curse someone out to my fear of abandonment.  

And this was actually my first encounter in understanding I even had a fear of abandonment and where I needed to dive deeper to uncover the suppressed traumas, the resulting and limiting beliefs that I had developed from it starting with my relationships on all levels past, present, and then what did I want them to look like in the future?

 I'll be honest, this shadow act was an overtime change for me. It was not something that I was able to commit to immediately. When I first started this part of my shadow work, it was more of a conscious thing that had to take place first. So when something would happen, that would make me want to revert back to cursing someone out, I would actually think about it, like how I wanted to act before I acted.  But it was the change in my relationships and who I had them with that fully allowed me to embrace this shadow behavior from even having to think about it, to just living it. Like I talked about in my Lovers and Friends Remastered episode, I started to surround myself in my personal space with just people who I could be vulnerable with, who could see me at my weakest state, but not even acknowledge it as a weakness in me because they have fully embraced all of me.  And babbbby with this change, I lost weight and I don't mean in a physical. I had no idea how much weight I was carrying around just feeling like I needed to be that guarded and that I needed to heavily protect myself in that way until I no longer had to do it; I could just be me.

So, remember I said shadow work is a practice because I don't think we can truly perfect it. As humans, living in a world with other humans who are experiencing life/ worldly things together, we can only practice to become better. But I also wanted to remind you that it's a practice because at this day in time, most often than not, I choose peace over violence… I may still curse you out now, depending on the situation so to speak. But it's really with good genuine intentions in some way. I'm probably expressing my frustrations or disappointments because I have your best interests at heart. But it's really without over emotionalism. And if it is a weak moment for me where I get to cussing and fussing out of emotions, I'm not too proud or too wounded to come back and say, I apologize. I could have handled it differently.  Because that's me showing up in all of me, the unconscious and conscious of who I am and who I want to be which is simply better than who I was yesterday. Holding myself accountable to this standard has also allowed me to set boundaries for others. If I'm in a conversation or a disagreement with someone and they seem to get agitated, you know, they get to talking out side of the neck and beside themselves, I let them know too, I'm not gonna talk to you in this state. So when you calm down and you're able to talk rationally, then we can revisit. This isn't a compromise for me in my healing journey.

So, if you are deciding whether you want to start shadow work as part of your healing journey, I'm about to share some tools and things that you can do as part of your shadow work to get started that I have actively done and still do when I'm being intentional with my shadow work as part of my healing journey.

Most of the things that I'm going to share are things that you can do for yourself by yourself. 

And then I'm also going to share a couple of things that you can do that are very beneficial but you'll need help from others.

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So the first thing is knowing your Zodiac signs. Yes, I said signs within an S! if you're not familiar, you do have more than just the one known sign that most of us know which is determined by your birth date in comparison to the Zodiac calendar. So, your three signs, also known as the Big 3 is your Sun, your Rising and your Moon sign. 

And I'll break down each three. So, the Sun is the most known Zodiac based on your birth date. The Sun moves through each of the Zodiacs during a specific time of the year, roughly one month during the Earth's 360 degree orbit around the Sun. It represents your identity, ego, and your motivations in life. Basically like the Sun, it's what makes you shine. 

And then your next sign is your Rising sign, which is also known as the Ascendant which is the determined by your exact time of birth on your birth date because it relates to the Sun's exact position at the time of day you were born. So, this speaks to the energy you exert… like how you show up to other people from your appearance to your attitude. 

And then lastly, you have your Moon sign which is determined by the location of the moon in the sky at the moment you were born. So, it requires the date, the exact time, and place of your birth.  And your moon sign governs your emotional state which is a big part of your shadow. Your moon sign relates more to your inner world and your relationship with self more than it does others. 

So pretty much think about your Big 3 together as a puppet show. The puppet itself would be your Sun… that's the main character, right? That's who people come to see.  The puppeteer is more so your moon sign who is the driving force to your main character's emotional state and how it will act. So when we're on, when we're watching a puppet show,  we are so enamored. We're so interested in the puppet that we forget that there's a person, a whole human sitting there that's driving the puppet, that's doing the talking and all of that stuff, but that's not the person that we are paying attention to. It's the puppet.  And then the stage itself, like once the curtains open, how is that puppet going to show up? 

It's going to be like, what energy are you going to be giving to the audience? That's part of your performance. That's going to keep people engaged and interested in you.  So for me, knowing my Big 3 was like a decoder to who I am.  I am a born Capricorn. So I'm a Capricorn by my Sun sign. So most things about me is very masculine. 

It speaks to my masculine energy. We are doers by nature because we like achieving things. So I'm telling you if you need to get something done, get you a Capricorn because we gone get it done! But we are very authentic and honest in nature too which a lot of people have a little bit of trouble with because  there's no gray for us; pretty much everything is black and white. But the way that I choose to shine can be different based on a setting. As a Capricorn, we don't like the spotlight. We'd like to do our thing and be very successful and all that stuff. But privacy is always going to be the preference. But I noticed in certain settings, I will operate very unlike a Capricorn, like almost demanding the spotlight and very comfortable in embracing it. So I knew that was kind of outside of my comfort zone, but I'm like, well, where's this really coming from? Cause that's not really a Capricorn, but learning my Big 3, my rising sign definitely spoke to my confidence and my boastfulness and learning to love the spotlight more than what the Capricorn in me would. 

So I learned my Big 3 from Cafe Astrology. It's a website where I was able to plug in my information, the exact information that you need, birth date and place. And when I say place doesn't necessarily mean the hospital, it's asking for the city. And time of my birth. And by doing that, it creates a birth chart for you detailing your Big 3. 

And then it has other details because there's so many other houses and signs that's relevant to your character too, that contributes to the Big 3. I will tell you, I've had people ask me in the past what could they do if they don't have like the exact information. Maybe they don't have the birth certificate, so they don't know the exact date, time, place type of thing. Unfortunately to get the accurate information, you're going to need the exact detail. If you know, like estimated details of your birth date, time and/ or place, you can try it and maybe you'll get an idea, but I will tell you that it's not going to be accurate versus when you have the exact details that you need. 

So the website that I use is called Café Astrology. There are so many websites out there if you just Google birth natal chart, you will find one. But this is definitely one that I would say is tried and true, and I recommend to anyone. Their website is www.astro.cafestrology.com. I will plug it in my blog if you want to go create your own birth chart. I'll also add it on my social medias. So that way you can link from there as well. 

But this was like a huge tool in the decoding the things that I thought I knew about myself, and then the things that I didn't know at all that contribute to the blueprint of who I am. The Big 3 is definitely the blueprints to your personality, who you are, and how you show up in this world.  

My next thing is journaling. 

When I first started my healing journey and I started to do journaling.  It wasn't until I started to do the shadow work part of it where journaling really became super important for me. And I kind of started out with a guided journal, but somewhere along the way while that was very good,  I actually needed more of a white board type of situation. 

So meaning, I just needed a blank journal because sometimes I had thoughts, emotions, and feelings that would come up that I didn't necessarily need a guided one to help me think about what I wanted to discuss. I knew what I wanted to discuss and I just needed an avenue to be able to get it out. If I wasn't in a space of time where I wanted to say it verbally and discuss it with someone, I will use my journal to be that outlet for me to write things out. 

And let me tell you why this was so key because sometimes when I do things in the physical like if I've had a conversation, if I verbally said something or I reacted to something in a certain way, I didn't necessarily know what that looked like until I wrote it on paper. Like when I wrote it down and then I play it back and I'm reading my own words that I wrote, I almost have a view from a second or third person's point of view. And then that's when I'm able to be like "okay, now Q you know you did the most and you need to go back and correct that" or "okay you handled it the correct way". You know, I'm really able to assess myself versus what I wasn't able to do in that moment or just in the physical, because I'm only just acting as me. I'm acting out the shadow. 

I am not against guided journals at all. I will say for some beginners, that's probably the best way to go because sometimes you don't know where to start. You don't know what to do. You don't know what questions to ask type thing. So sometimes the guided journals are best, but I would say if you can get both, then I would definitely get both because sometimes you don't know where to go and the guided journals will help us; sometimes, you know exactly what you need to do or say right and that's where the blank journal would be more supportive. 

And obviously because of my shamelessly plugged ad, I am a real true advocate for journals because I had to go and create Inked Thoughts for My Bloom Season so that way you can get started with journaling your inked thoughts today! So make sure you pre-order that on thespiritualteacompany.com.

And then the last thing that I was able to do for myself by myself was meditating. 

And I kind of talked about that in my first episode of Coming Out of the Closet. I think one of the biggest misconceptions about meditation is that you have to quiet your mind.  And when people try to attempt that like white noise in the mind only where you don't have any thoughts, any emotions, or any feelings… anything like that is very hard to accomplish as a beginner. 

And what happens is people lose hope and motivation in meditation. When they believe that they need to quiet their mind. And I want to be clear, quieting your mind is an amazing meditation, but it takes practice. It's something that you can eventually accomplish over time. So what I recommend to beginners is mindful meditation. 

There are different types of meditation, but mindfulness is definitely where a beginner should start. It's a practice where you are aware of the thoughts and feelings that you are experiencing in a moment without interpretation, without any judgment. But then you learn to direct your focus away from those thoughts and feelings by compartmentalizing, or like filing those away until you actually need them. So mindfulness is letting those thoughts flow, but as they come, you're more aware of them in the moment. And then you just file them away. You compartmentalize. You put them wherever they need to go because in this very moment, it's almost like clearing the clutter. 

If you can imagine papers floating around in your mind, like all the stuff you need to do, one by one, you're taking each paper and putting them in a folder. Then, you're putting them in a file cabinet. And that's what mindfulness does for you. That's a wonderful meditation that just helps you become more aware of who you are in a moment. And eventually, if you continue to practice that meditation, you'll get so good till you won't even be thinking about these things, like in real time outside of meditation. When you're in a moment of doing something or you're verbally speaking, you will be very mindful of how you're speaking. You'll be very mindful of how you're acting because of this practice of meditation that you've been doing with mindfulness.  

So to get into the help from others that you can seek as well, I go to therapy. I have been in therapy now for about three or four years. I have a therapist who I see once a month. And let me say something, I'll fight anybody about this woman lol okay! There is nothing like having someone in your corner who is just here for you who really doesn't know you. So they don't have biases or any thoughts or opinions or anything like that about you other than what you share with them. And then that person helps you to cope with the things that you bring up. 

They help you strategize. And ways to manage. They coach you through life. And I remember being, I don't know if to say intimidated about therapy or if it was just part of, you know, our culture, that therapy wasn't always like a thing to be proud of. It wasn't a thing that we would vocally say that we were doing because in some way, somehow in somebody's mind that says that you're weak if you have to seek help. 

But I'm loud and proud with that thing this day and time, I'm truly an advocate for therapy! There are so many resources out there too for free therapy online. If you have insurance, I'm pretty sure you probably have EAP which is Employee Assistance Program, which most offers therapy sessions throughout the year for free. I highly recommend looking into that because although you may have your circle of friends and family that you trust, who you can go to at different times when you need to, there is nothing like someone in your corner who has no part in that who is certified in these things to help you manage and just coach you through life. 

My therapist not only assists me with like personal things, life matters, and traumas but she also helps me in my business, too. So, therapy is a big deal for me. I recommend it, but I also understand that  it's not for everybody. And that's okay. I will tell you my experience with therapy is that I actually went through three therapists before I found the one that I have now that I would say is the best fit for me. 

And the funny thing is my very first therapist told me that would happen. She pretty much explained it like it's almost like getting into a relationship with a significant other. You have to experience it a few times before you find your person. And that's what exactly happened for me. So my therapist that I have this day in time is just more related. She uses different modalities to help me with the different things that we bring up. And so it's, it's just been a wonderful tool that I highly recommended.  

And then the last thing that I consider help from others is Reiki. So I know I talk about all the time being a certified Reiki Master. 

If you're familiar with it, it's a Japanese hands on technique used to heal and balance the energy within the body. So how I like to explain it to people is that if you think about your body as a vehicle, as a car. A car needs a battery to start. When the battery is low on energy or dead altogether, the car is not going anywhere. It's not going to start. 

It's not going to do anything and your body is just the same. Your body has these seven main chakras within it that you're probably familiar with from your Root, to your Sacral, to your Solar Plexus, to your Heart chakra to your throat chakra, to your third eye, and then to your crown chakra. All of these are like rotating energy wheels within you that help to keep you energized, balanced, and healthy. So when you're not feeling well like a dead battery in a car, you will need Reiki to help you restore your natural health. Your natural, healthy, balanced energy in the body. It allows for deep relaxation of the body. It assists in your body releasing pains and traumas, because believe it or not, unhealed or unbalanced energy will manifest into physical things. So sometimes when you have like illness and pains and stuff, you go to the doctor and the doctor can't really explain what's going on with you. I can tell you 10 times out of 10 it's probably your energy and you need to seek Reiki therapy. Because it helps to balance the chakras. It assists in cleansing out toxins in the bodies, and then ultimately connect you in mind, body and spirit. I started out as a patient of Reiki, because as I mentioned before, shadow work involves your mind, body and your spirit. 

And it really does because you're going to uncover some stuff that's going to start coming up. And that stuff is going to manifest in energy in some way, shape, or form. And sometimes it's not about all of the other things that I mentioned, like journaling, meditation, you know, knowing your Big 3… all of that may not be able to do anything about it because it's just the energy itself that needs to be healed and balanced. 

And so that's where Reiki came into play for me. I started out being a patient of Reiki to becoming a student of this technique because I was so inspired by my own results.  And after those great results, I realized our community was lacking this resource. So in my stewardship of servitude, I became certified as a master and will soon offer this service to the community because I've seen the results. Not just from myself, but also when I used Reiki on others who seek it. I've helped people heal heart pains, headaches, knee pains… things that they've seek help from doctors, acupuncture, you know,  all of the stuff in the physical that didn't do what it needed to do. 

And then once they had Reiki, that person was new again. It's like they were rejuvenated. They were refreshed. And they were ready to go as if the pain never existed. So if you have access to Reiki in any form because you can get Reiki in the physical and also remote services, I would highly recommend doing that too. 

So once individuals decide to do shadow work, the next question that I often get is how do they know that they're doing it right? Like what would they look for to know their shadow work efforts are a successful. And I always share some real life things that prove to me that I had overcome life's adversities and traumas I had by doing shadow work. 

So I share those things with you.  

The first thing that I'll share is letting someone go that I truly loved who I knew I was not ready for in life. Now, I know we all think we to Sugar, Honey, Ice Tea, and we are! But we're also not one size fit all, right?! And the thing about this person at the time, they were the ideal person that I imagined for myself. He was a standup guy. He was a gentleman. He was established across the board including emotionally mature in a lot of ways, much more than I was. And those are the things that I wanted. But those were also the things that I knew I was working on to be for myself. I had to make the conscious decision to let this person go despite the love that I had for them so they can flourish and go be great somewhere else for somebody who was ready for them; I was not and I knew that. I knew I had more work to do so I can be equally yoked with this individual if I wanted to create something that was genuine and long lasting.  So that was the first thing. 

The second thing is, and this is very naive, but it's the truth… put my bills on auto pay!  Trusting that I am going to have the money in the bank to let the bank pay my bills when they were due. There was a time I would not put my bills on auto pay because I was keen to robbing Peter to pay Paul. Or sis bout to go out here and buy a couple of things that she liked like clothing and shoes. And she gone put that bill on arrangement and do all of the silly things out there. But when I trusted myself, I had bridged the financial relationship gap that I had with myself and money by doing the shadow work. I had built a trust with myself financially. And so just putting my bills on auto-pay was a real telltale sign for me that the shadow work was working because I had built the trust that I didn't have with my finances before. 

Another thing is removing myself to allow my children to learn.  So, this is more of a more recent thing for me. My children are now young adults. And so just learning that I can but can't always solve world problems for them because how will they learn? How will they be able to build their character? How will they be able to decide or determine their true purpose in life if every time they go through a hardship or an adversity, I'm stepping in to solve it? I'm always putting on my cape and coming to save the day.  And that was more of a recent learning for me in shadow work that was actually unintentional that I had to learn. Learning to remove myself and love my children from afar, being there if they need me to be. But also creating room, space for them so that they can learn on their own. 

They can get the experiences and the learnings that they need in life to persevere and to build strength, confidence, and all the things that they need to be successful in the way that they desire.  I have learned in that space to stand in the cut and allow them to come to me. And when they do and if they're going through something, I have built a boundary for them where I'll ask, "are you just talking to me to vent? Do you just want me to be a listening ear and shoulder to lean on or do you want my opinion? Do you want me to chime in and give you some advice?" And then depending on what they say is what I abide by. Now as a parent, of course, if I see something, you know, that seems to be detrimental or that it might just be going the wrong way based on what they're sharing of course I'll speak up. But if it's just really them going through something that they just need to learn and it's not dangerous, it's not detrimental to their health, their physical being or something like that, then I let them be and I let them learn because I have truly understood that these are God's children. I was just the vessel as a mother to birth them. 

And so I'm learning to just love them from afar and allow them to be themselves and to truly prosper on their own journey. And I am part of the village. So I'm always going to be here as part of the support. But I don't always need to put the cape on and step in.  

And then one of the last things… this was probably an earlier learning for me in my shadow work that was also unintentional that eventually became intentional for me and that was learning to forgive the unforgiven.  Whew chile! When I tell you that now that was the toughest lesson for me!  And we're going to talk about it, but it needs its own episode. So make sure you tune in week after next so we can unravel this. But when I learned how to forgive the unforgiven even if it was for myself… that right there is a game changer on your healing journey! So I'm  just saying tune in next time, all right!

So let's get into the self-discovery prompt for this episode… the self-discovery prompt that I want you to start out with especially if you decide to do shadow work, but even if you decide not to do shadow work, this is still a big deal. It's still a really good thing to know about yourself. And that is to go on Café Astrology or if some other source appeals to you, go for it, but to learn your Big 3. Obtain your natal birth chart so that you learn the blueprint to who you are and use it to decode yourself.  It doesn't matter whether you are a beginner or advanced in your healing journey, I would recommend everyone to learn their astrology birth chart. Your life and your experiences will become so much easier to understand. And it makes a difference when you know who you are when trying to become who you want to be. I guarantee you will be shocked, appalled, and amazed all at the same time! 

And then the last thing that I will leave you with, if and when you decide to start doing shadow work. that I learned as part of my healing journey that involved shadow work since 2018. And even to this day,  that I recommend as part of preparation for you, just mental preparation, two important things, be open to unlearn and relearn.  This is probably the second hardest thing for me in doing shadow work and just the healing journey altogether. Because, especially at our big ol ages, we have had the same teachings or probably the same learnings for myself,  the last 42 years. And when you start to go through your shadow, you start to see things differently, and it's going to make you question the things you were taught. From a child all the way up to your adulthood. And it's going to make you doubt the things that are coming to surface from your shadow work. So just being open to unlearn and relearn from the beginning will help with that, just having that open mindset. You have to understand that we were all students of someone else. You were a student of your parent.  You were a student of your siblings. You were a student of your actual teachers. You are a student from your manager. You're just a student in life altogether. But the thing that you have to know about those that we're teaching you… they were also students to someone else who were also students to someone else. And you get it that learning just continues to go on for everybody.  So we are all human beings learning in life at the same time simultaneously. 

Some of the things that we may have been taught maybe weren't the right way. And you're going to start to learn this as you go through your healing journey, especially as you start to do shadow work. So I would tell you from the beginning, just open your mind to unlearn and relearn.

One of my biggest opportunities there was religion for me… another conversation for another day, but that was one of the biggest things that I had to unlearn to relearn. And it took me a while to be comfortable with doing that.  

And then the next thing that I will say is extend yourself some grace.  I have talked about it over and over throughout this conversation that there are going to be things that are going to come up that are going to be very uncomfortable for you in shadow work. And that's by design. It's supposed to happen. Because when you continue to live with suppressed things while you think you have suppressed them, you are physically acting it out in some way, shape or form, in your words or your actions. However, when you do shadow work, those things tend to come to the surface. There's no more hiding it. There's no more suppressing it. Now it's time to face it…  extend yourself some grace!  It's okay.  It has a purpose and you can best believe if you are really intentional about your shadow work. It'll only be temporary.  

So be kind, be graceful. If you feel like you have to stop because it's too much for you, that's okay. That's the grace that you need to extend to yourself.  You can come back to it and start again.  Shadow work again is Pandora's box. Once you open it, it's always open and there's always an opportunity to learn and to grow and to evolve. So extend yourself some grace. You didn't get this way overnight and you're not going to fix it overnight, okay? 

 Last thing for this episode… let's get into this Reiki channel message. Like all things, if it resonates, let it apply. If it doesn't let it fly, but don't let it fly too far as these messages are also evergreen, just like our conversations and may have future resonance with you. Because best believe, as much as you may love me, you are not here by happenstance in this moment and time.  The message for this episode is very specific and it's very funny how this message came to me that I am going to share with you.  Somewhere for somebody… you are failing to recognize an opportunity that you have in front of you because you are battle fatigue. You've been in this fight for a minute and it's almost like you're still trying to stay in the fight when there really isn't one. You're looking for an opportunity to be defensive and argumentative, but there's really a space for compromise here that could be the end of the conflict that you're going through.  And the thing is, if you don't recognize this or seize this opportunity fast, you're going to be left behind. Like, you're going to miss the window for this opportunity. So the thing that I will tell you is that you really need to tap into your inner strength and master your raw emotions because they are sabotaging you right now. They are about to write you right up out of this opportunity that you have in front of you. So just be mindful of the words that you use so that you're not left behind. Learn to calm yourself so that you align yourself to the opportunity that you have available to you, all right?! I hope that resonates with someone. 

I thank you so much for sharing your time with me. Until next time, keep taking up space and refill yourself because you can't pour shit from an empty cup. Take care.