Her Cup Overflows Podcast

Forgiving the Unforgiven

• Qwanze Tolbert • Episode 4

Share episode

I would love to hear your healing stories, things you'd like me to talk about, or even share your feedback about my podcast. So, click here to send me a text.

As we traverse the complexities of life, the scars of our past can often weigh heavily on our hearts, clouding our present and shaping our future. But what if the key to unburdening ourselves lies in the very act we often struggle with: forgiveness? This episode of Her Cup Overflows is a raw and transformative exploration of the power of healing through forgiveness, as I, Qwanze Tolbert, take you through my personal odyssey of pain, regret, and ultimately, liberation.

I lay bare my soul in a confessional journey, revealing the silent wounds that shaped my behaviors and interactions, and the profound lessons learned from my birth mother's temporary stay with me. The narrative weaves through the delicate fabric of grief and the undeniable strength that emerges from a stepmother’s undying love. In the space of understanding and compassion, I also share how the pivotal moment of forgiveness towards my stepmother during a mentoring session sparked an unrivaled sense of freedom, showcasing that forgiving oneself is as essential as forgiving others.

This heart-to-heart doesn't end with personal anecdotes; it extends a guiding hand to you, the listener, as I offer a powerful self-discovery activity that promises to aid in your emotional release. Whether you're grappling with forgiving someone who hasn't apologized or finding closure within yourself, this episode provides a candid discussion on discernment, divine timing, and the cathartic release of writing a personal letter of forgiveness. Join me on this journey toward healing, honesty, and accountability, and let's fill our cups with an overflow of love and self-compassion.

Welcome back to Her Cup Overflows podcast. I'm your host and cultured certified Reiki master, Qwanze Tolbert. If you're new here or you chose to circle the block with me, I thank you and welcome you just the same. Her Cup Overflows is a listening community of healing for the mind, body, and soul. Each episode is a timeless conversation overflowing with wisdom to fill your cup with resilience, courage, and empowerment.

These conversations are inspired by real life experiences, the traumas, and the triumphs. But it wouldn't be a place for healing if I didn't hold a safe space for trauma without judgment, but with accountability, honesty and commitment. Because in those three things lies your superpower to overcome life's adversities and that new energy becomes the catalyst to you living out loud, living freely and unapologetically on your terms.

That is Her Cup Overflows.

I remember when I was about to release my 1st episode of Her Cup Overflows and I was texting with one of my sisters and she texted… "watch this be just as therapeutic for you as it is for your listeners". And I remember laughing and being like "heck yeah" just on general principle knowing how sometimes you don't know what you really know until you have to do or say something. And you end of surprising yourself by what you proved you do know. Well this is a lil different because I really don't think I thought that deep or long about what "just as therapeutic for you" really looked or felt like until recording this episode, Forgiving the Unforgiven. 

Have you been feeling lonely, acting anti-social, being a little passive aggressive, or experiencing difficulties when setting and enforcing boundaries? Or maybe you're feeling unexplainable physical pains in the heart, breast, shoulder, arm, and hand? These are symptoms of an overactive, unbalanced, or blocked heart chakra. The Heart is located in the center of the chest, is responsible for love in all forms - self-love, love for others, and love for everything. When this chakra is balanced and open, you can easily give and receive unconditional love, show empathy, and have a top-notch self-care routine. The Spiritual Tea Co.'s, soy and beeswax blended, Heart Manifestation Candle is the perfect solution to opening and balancing the heart chakra. It is infused with rose, lavender, yarrow, and powerful Reiki intentions to help you cleanse, open, and balance your heart chakra. Additionally, it is charged with an Unakite crystal known for creating emotional balance and stimulating compassion and empathy. With its invigorating scents of fresh rose petals, tangy citrus, and rich jasmine, this candle creates a beautifully balanced aroma that will uplift and inspire your heart chakra. The subtle hints of sweet vanilla will soothe your senses and promote inner harmony. The Spiritual Tea Company's candle collection includes a variety of manifestation candles, each with a specific focus in mind, body, and spirit to unlock your full potential by energizing your chakras to create a healthy balance of your physical and spiritual well-being by harnessing the power of crystal energy, essential oils, and herbal essences. Each candle also includes a QR code for a custom playlist of guided and non-guided meditation resources to elevate the vibrations of your manifesting energy during meditation, yoga, journaling, or any energy healing activity. Purchase your Heart Chakra manifestation candle today on www.thespiritualteacompany.com and unlock the power of your heart!

I'm sure you've heard a time or 2 someone say, "forgiveness is for you and not for the other person". This saying never really had much meaning to me until I started my healing journey and doing shadow work. So let's go back a little bit…

In my last episode, Shadow Work, I explain the origin of it and what does shadow work really mean which is basically identifying the parts of yourself that you've repressed or hidden because it's associated with some type of trigger such as trauma, negative emotion, or feeling, unresolved conflicts or even unexplored passions and life desires. And once you've identified the trigger, then you deeply explore the root cause of it for healing so you are able to build a healthy connection between who you really are and who you desire to be to truly become the beautiful, authentic you, living freely. This is where the "just as therapeutic for you" is coming alive in real time because what you are about to experience with this conversation is me doing shadow work in the flesh. 

So, forgiving the unforgiven has been one of the most challenging parts of shadow work for me and it is still running its course, obviously. Typically, I can safely say I have successfully completed a part of my shadow work when something is no longer a trigger, meaning it becomes easy to think about without me becoming emotionally uncomfortable OR like in this moment, speak about it. During this episode, it is my very 1st time speaking out loud about what it took for me to overcome and conquer, forgiving the unforgiven. So let's get into it.

The unforgiven to me was those who had wronged me in some way, intentionally or unintentionally from a child to an adult and I was still silently suffering from those wrong doings. So, the results became a part of my repressed shadow that subliminally showed up in my character such as the way I communicated, reacted to situations, built relationships, lived my life, etc. And I say subliminally bc you don't realize these repressed traumas and emotions are the driving forces to your character until you explore them. I can remember distinct times when I thought I was just keeping it real when in hindsight, I was actually keeping it real repressed acting out of emotions that I needed to address.

But, the Universal joke that I learned during this part of my shadow work was the unforgiven wasn't just others; it was me too. I was also someone I hadn't forgiven for past things in my life experience. So I am going to share different perspectives of my learning to forgive the unforgiven for others and myself.

One very profound forgiveness I had to embrace was with my parents starting with my mother. This was actually the start of my forgiving the unforgiven shadow work that was in my mind, totally unintentional for me but showed me how God is so relentlessly, intentional.

So I had just moved my kids and I into a new home in a new city right after going through a weird experience with an ex who had been an ex for a while by that time. It was an amicable breakup just due to life differences what we desired for ourselves at the time so we remained cool… that was until he found out I had started dating again and it's like a switch flipped in him ALTHOUGH he had already been dating someone for a while. Chile another story for another day so anywho, I fully closed that chapter cause obviously we can't even be friends at this point and I moved on.  So shortly after starting my new beginnings, my mother needed to come live with me for a while. She was going through a divorce and needed a temporary stay while she navigated her new normal. This was a no brainer "yes" because this is my mom. She's my ride or die and to know her is to know someone who is sweet, will give anyone the shirt off her back, my sipping partner, and funny as hell. But just like me, you, and everybody else in this world, my mother wasn't perfect. She had her 1st child as a teenager and was forced to make some life choices that were not of her own due to the pregnancy. Her beautiful mistake made her become the black sheep in the family. Her mother, my grandmother was the disciplinarian and her father, my grandfather was more of the gentle, tolerant soul. And my grandmother like many women of that generation stood on business when you make a grown decision, you gone start living like you grown, mistake or not, inexperienced and all. Everybody in the community knew you'd rather play in your grave than to play with my grandmother. Then during my childhood, I realized my mother had a vice that influenced a lot of decisions for herself that would ultimately impact her children including me. This vice was different because it wasn't the typical things that plagued our community like drugs and alcohol but it was men; let me be clear, not men as in prostituting but the intimate relationships she established with men of her choice. And I didn't understand this vice until she came to live with me and I realized my mother was like a baby raising babies who grew into a woman still seeking the love and protection from her childhood. But prior to this, I had developed ill feelings toward relationships and the idea of marriage based on what I had seen and experienced through my mother's relationships which in some ways, made me have resentment internally for her. I didn't value intimate relationships because they seemed to be a revolving door and nobody was solid and I was probably the 1 in a million girl who absolutely had no interest in getting married in this lifetime because I had never seen a "successful" one based on my mother and father's track records. But these were things I would never verbally express to her because she was my mother and we had a really good relationship so it created an internal conflict within me due to these suppressed emotions and trauma. And this internal conflict festered into something bigger. I spent most of my young adult life trying to prove in many ways that I wasn't going to be like my parents who were good people, just not perfect people in raising my children. And in some ways, this actually made it more difficult for me because I wasn't able to recognize when the love and support was present bc I was always looking for the negative. 

Fast forward, my mother comes to live with me and our bond becomes even tighter because we are around each other daily. And everything is cool. When I was going through the season of my daughter illnesses and back and forth stays in the hospital, it was my mother and my son's grandmother who were standing in the gap for me and my son in my absence, no one else. So she was also there when I 1st started my healing journey and doing shadow work. I would often talk to her about all the things I'm learning in my healing journey and it eventually enticed her to start her journey with me. And man, I must say again, God is so intentional because it was in this moment that I realized my mother was human too. I don't think, if she didn't come live in my household with me and start this healing journey with me, that I would have been able to see her as anything other than my mother, because, you know, it's very hard to see someone as anything other than the parental title they are given at your birth. So with that title comes these facade of unforgiving perfect expectations of them, and when they fell at something it's like, oh my God, it's the end of the world. We don't get to see that they are human too, that this is a person behind this title who is operating on the experiences he or she has had in their lifetime. 

But her starting her healing journey with me made her talk more about her childhood experiences and she shared things that I had never known because she didn't talk much about it before, and I started to understand the things she had been suppressing for all those years, from childhood to adulthood within herself that inadvertently showed up in some of her characteristics and past decisions she made. This was the moment I stopped looking at her only as my mother, but also as a person who is doing the best she could, based on all that she had experienced in life thus far. Doing the best she could, based on all that she had experienced in life thus far. So I had to learn to forgive the person I thought I knew, to allow the space to love the person she really was, that I now clearly can see this opening in my heart. It just it created space for compassion. It created space for understanding. 

My heart became lighter, like all of the, the, the undue stress that I was carrying on myself because I was so busy trying to prove that I wasn't going to repeat certain parental cycles that I had experienced with my parents, I wasn't going to take my kids through that, like. All of those things just started to disappear because, yes, it was my experience, but it was based on things that weren't true. It was things that I assumed were very intentional, that I didn't know were driven by her shadow and the things that she had repressed and the life experiences that she had been through that became a part of who she was, but she just kept trying to be a great person and, like most people, not acknowledge these things, but they were still showing up, because that's what the shadow does, right, as we talked before. What the shadow does right, as we talked before, that the shadow drives you. It's the driving force behind your characteristics. So this was the part that I learned to keep an open mind and keep an open heart, with discernment for others, and be open to forgiveness, because what you think is always the story or the fact or the reason why someone is being a certain way towards you or they have done a certain thing towards you. It may not be entirely true, and so learning to do that shadow work for yourself sometimes exposes what you need from others. So that way, you can move on in my parents, because ultimately, me learning this about my mother also worked where I was able to create a space for forgiveness for my father too he also not a perfect person, and there were some opportunities and things that I experienced growing up with him well into my adulthood that I just kind of held as an active defense for myself. I kept the fence up to a certain level to prevent certain things. I thought I was preventing from experiences, certain emotions and feelings that I had felt before in my childhood, growing up into adulthood, from my parents. But I now have learned to see them as not just my parents but as people, and I needed that. I had no idea that my mother, coming to live with me at a time where I was also starting my healing journey, was going to be more for me than it ever was for her, and I am truly, truly grateful for that experience to this day.

So forgiveness for self… this was I think was probably the toughest part for me because it was years, years in the making. So I'll explain. 

I always say God loves me so much in this lifetime, I was blessed with 3 mothers, my own personal Golden Girls. My mom, who gave birth to me with these bountiful fountain of youth genes because if you've seen my mother, you'd totally understand. And my sense of humor, because sis is funny and creative too. My father contributed to that too so let me just shout him out before he feels left out. And then next is my Auntie/ Mama, my dad's sister who influenced my soul because she introduced me to soulful music as far back as I can remember as a baby. That's why Big Luther, Staple Sisters, Rick James, Shalamar, Johnny Taylor and the list goes on, will always be on full blast from my radio because they just do it for me, like feed my spirit, uplift me, no matter what I'm going through. So she is the one that influenced my soul because we were always having a party on school nights, work nights, weekends, whenever, it was never not a good time. Unfortunately, my Auntie/ Mama passed away in December of 2022. And then, lastly, is my stepmother, Mrs. Dorothy Kelly Tolbert, known as Dot Kelly in the community who introduced me to what it's like to have a relationship with God. She, too, passed away in January of 2006 due to health issues, and this story is about her.

So I remember during one of my therapy sessions, when I first talked about my stepmother, my therapist asked me to describe her and the only thing that came to mind was she was like God in human form. And I remember my therapist kind of being like taken aback, like oh, that's a lot, that's a bit much, you know, tell me more. And I said it wasn't so much about having God like powers. It was the reflections of her heart that I consistently got to see in real life through many experiences. There wasn't a stranger that she would meet, that she wouldn't love on and take them to church, because you're going to church with her sister was a God fearing woman. Okay, she had more God children than a little bit, and if you were in her care you best believe you would never go without anything. You were never too flawed for her to see the good in you and nothing was ever too good for you in her eyes. She loved, oh my God, she loved like no other and it was so pure, it was honest. I saw her love people beyond fault. I saw her love others and do for them, even when they had did her wrong. As a child I actually remember harboring like hateful feelings for some of those people that I seen who weren't reciprocating the love that she was giving out, because she didn't hate them, I did because I felt she was too good for them. Her relationship with God was a force to be reckoned with. I've never seen anything like it. 

In the early 90s she was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was young and this was the first time I had even heard of the word cancer. Like never, ever in the history of Kwanzaa had I heard of it. Up until that point I had no idea how serious it was of it. Up until that point I had no idea how serious it was. The rumored death sentence that tends to be attached to it like nothing at all, I was oblivious. But what also didn't help my naivety besides age with the understanding of how serious it was how she dealt with it. It's almost like she got the diagnosis and then privately solidified her healing in God and God only, and everything else was just human formality, like going to her doctor's appointments, going to get treatment, the chemo, the radiation, taking the medicines, all of the things that was designed to help her heal. It was like it was a walk in the park for her. I remember often hearing her throw up in the bathroom like there was nothing in her left to give and she would pick herself up, throw on her clothes, go to church, go to work, go check on her mom, go do things for others, like it was nonstop. And I never heard her complain. Now, I'm not saying that she didn't, I just never heard it. So I moved just like she did. 

I didn't have a care in the world that she had breast cancer. I didn't know not to aggravate her. I didn't know not to ask her to come pick me up because she might not be feeling well. I didn't know not to beg for all the little silly things my little spoiled self would always be begging for because I knew she would still do these things. I had no consideration for her disease that she was fighting through, because I seen her just go through it With ease and grace. So when she went into remission I didn't know it was something to celebrate, because what really needed to be celebrated Was how she carried that load, how she fought that battle, and I didn't realize this until later in adulthood. In between that time, le leading up to her death, I watched her fight other health battles like one after another in the same manner, from her heart to her head, to her, her, her motherly parts of her like she was Mike Tyson, TKO'ing everything coming her way with, in my eyes, with ease and grace. But I know it was tough for her in hindsight. So I was really numb to how detrimental those battles really were for her. 

At the time of her passing I was going through a very difficult time in my life. I was a single mother struggling to make ends meet, while also trying to embrace a very unexpected situation that I was going through, feeling like I didn't have the support or resources who would help me without judgment, or, you know, I become the talk of the town or the talk of the family and all that stuff the talk of the town or the talk of the family and all that stuff. So I hid what was going on with me and I just felt alone, despite being around family and friends more often than not when I was going through this moment. But the one person I knew who would help me make sense of things, to make a rational decision, to pick up the pieces of my current situation and to move forward without judgment, gossip or making me feel like an outcast, wasn't able to do so because she was fighting for her life. 

Some days before her death, she called me and she had that for certain death talk that I had never heard before, especially from her. We're talking about Miss Mike Tyson right with every health battle. But she called me and in this talk her voice was very different. Like I said, she definitely had that for certain death talk like she knew. She knew what was about to happen and it's almost like she had already made amends with it and was trying to prepare me in spirit, but also in real life.

So at the time she had recently bought my baby some new outfits and I distinctly remember a belt. And so she called me and she was just telling me like hey, within the next few days I need you to bring the babies to see me. You know I need you to come see me. If you don't get to come see me, I'm going to bag up the baby stuff. It's going to be in a bag. The belt would be in the bag with the outfits on the back of the door, in the back bedroom. She used to buy my baby like these collections of dolls. She was like these dolls, I have them packed up too. It's just like she was saying if I am not here, here's what you need to do, here's what you need to get. And she was trying to prepare me, but I wasn't listening. And I wasn't listening because, once again, I did not take her illness serious, because I had seen her on surface fight everything with ease and grace. But as an adult now I realized it wasn't so much with ease and grace. She fought those illnesses with faith. She fought those battles with her belief in God and at the end of it she was okay with the work that she had done in this lifetime. That's why she wasn't scared and that's why she was trying to prepare me to be on that level with her. But I wasn't, because I didn't realize how serious it was. So the day that she passed away, I remember this day Weirdly. I remember some things about this day, like yesterday, and other things are a blur, but this is what I remember. 

So I was at my dad's house and I got a phone call and someone said to me I have no idea who called me. Someone said you need to get to the hospital to see Dot and I casually responded like okay. I didn't ask any questions like which hospital, you know what's going on, nothing like that. And this person was really in a panic. Like on the other end of the line they were panicking. But I'm not receiving any of this cause I want you to keep in mind in this moment I'm fighting my own little life battle, right. And so I hear them, but I'm like okay, and still not believing how serious it is, cause you know, this is my own personal little Mike Tyson. I'm like, okay, so I go in and I tell my dad, and he jumped on the phone calling around, cause at this point we don't know what hospital, we don't know if it's in my hometown, we don't know if it was the hospital that was closest to her where she lived. We didn't know if it was one of the more deemed, better hospitals that she was at getting care. We had no idea. So these are things that we had to start calling around to find out so I could get to her to see her. 

In the midst of doing all that, I'm at my dad's house, I'm doing laundry, and my sister calls me and asked me am I okay? Okay, somewhere through the grapevine in the street, she had heard about it too. So she called me and asked me was I okay? And she offered to drive me to the hospital and my sister was like well, I can come get you now and take you to the hospital. But for some reason I was just stuck. I couldn't see beyond what I was going through for myself, in that very moment, when it felt like she needed me, and she had already prepared me with the phone call days before. But I missed it because I was focused on self. Because I was focused on self, and when my sister asked me if I wanted her to drive me to the hospital, I said no, I'm going to wait till I finish doing my laundry. I'll call you back when I finish doing my laundry and then we'll go. 

Now, anybody that's listening, you guys know how laundry ain't no easy button. It takes some time to wash, dry fold, you know all that stuff. But in that moment I'm just like I'm going to finish my laundry first before I go see her. So now, hours done passed, I finally finished doing my laundry and I get in my car, go to my sister's house. 

Well, as I'm getting ready to go into my sister's house, my nephew, who is at the time, he, walks out the door. So he asked me, auntie, where you going? And I said me and your mom about to go to the hospital to see dot. And he says, uh-uh, because dot dead. Once again me caught up himself in him, just being young and ignorant in that moment, you know, I fanned him off and I go in the house. 

Well, by the time I make it into my sister's house, like majority of all my siblings, are already there, so they're just waiting and I walk in and I realize the energy that is in the space and I in it, like the connection hits, the light bulb goes off that what my nephew just said to me is very real One of the love of my life are no longer here and I didn't even get to see her because I didn't take her preparation call serious. So I didn't go see her. I didn't take the kids to go see her. I had that last opportunity to go see her at the hospital. What I chose? To focus on me and do laundry. And so now here I am, finally feeling like I'm ready because I got my laundry done and she's already gone. This broke me. This became one of my biggest regrets in life because I felt like I was never going to be able to correct it. I was never going to be able to apologize for not listening to her and not doing what was asked of me. 

I remember the day of her funeral I was supposed to ride in the family car. You know I was supposed to sit up the family car. You know I was supposed to sit up front in the church. I didn't do any of this. I purposely arrived to the family house late, just so I wouldn't have to get in the family car, and that, of course, I arrived to the church later. So I kind of sat at the back of the church when really I was a daughter to her and I should have been up front. But the load that I was carrying from this regret of just feeling guilty and feeling shame and feeling hurt because I felt like I failed her, weighed heavy on my soul. 

So fast forward 16 years later, in 2022, I'm in the middle of a mentoring session with my Reiki mentor and, just like I do in my podcast episodes, you know, as a, as a Reiki practitioner, sometimes, depending on the work that you're doing, you are able to receive downloads or messages to share with the individual who you may be working on, and at the time, my mentor, who is funny as hell. She was in the middle of doing my Reiki session and she paused and she said you have a maternal energy here and she knows me personally, so she knew it wasn't my mother because my birth mother is definitely, you know, still alive. And she said you have a maternal energy here and I'm trying to understand, because it's almost like I feel coldness from this energy. It's like this person is feeling like they had been left out in the cold. Those were her exact words and I sat there. So, maternal energy well, the only maternal energy that I can immediately think of at this time was my two golden girls who had passed away, my Auntie/ Mama who at that time had recently passed away, like a few weeks before that, and then my Stepmom. But when she said the felt left out in the cold, this energy is feeling like this person was left out in the cold, I immediately was able to recognize that this energy was coming from my Stepmother. And she went on further to say that this person is at peace, like this person is so very proud of you, that she doesn't regret anything, that she is not harboring like any emotions or, you know, thinking about any bad times or anything that's carrying on, that she is with me and that she is helping me to move forward and that I needed to release myself from the shame and guilt. Baby, let me tell you I was snot faced ugly ass crying like real ugly crying, because I'm talking about 16 whole years later that I carried this weight, feeling like I failed her. I failed her in the one time that she needed me, but I was too focused on myself that I couldn't see that she needed me, all the way up to her death. 

It was in that moment that I realized the forgiveness that needed to take place was for myself. I had myself shackled for so long, hanging on to something that I would never be able to undo or do anything about. I made a mistake. If you know the love that I had for this woman, you would know that me operating like that towards her was totally out of character. I made a mistake, but I let that mistake become a definitive part of my character. That shame, that guilt, that remorse that I was holding on to was almost like that was my punishment for myself that I was so okay with throughout them years, because I felt like I needed it because I failed her. 

Mind you, my mentor, the only mother figure that she knew was my mother because, again, my mother is still alive. Right, I had never talked about my stepmom. I had never talked about just the beautiful, god fearing woman. This lady was never even mentioned her. So I knew once again, God was just being so intentional that this is what I needed to hear. And at that moment, that's when the shadow work really became real and intentional for me. Because why am I holding on to that shame and that guilt and allowing it to define me and allowing it to hold me back and keep me from fully showing up as my authentic self, when this woman over here, who is just like God, "he who without sin cast the first stone", she was just like that in real life and obviously she is still passing off that energy in death. At that moment I started to do the work for myself, to learn how to forgive myself, how to really talk through those feelings and find compassion and understanding and forgiveness for myself. 

Now I tell you this story sparingly, because it may not come to you this easy meaning. You may not hear what you feel. You need to hear from someone, whether in spirit or in real life, to release those shackles you've had on yourself for so long. So you have to use your God-given power to forgive yourself without remorse. You didn't know better, or even if you knew better, maybe you just didn't have an example. So how could you have done better? Again, God's words "he without sin, cast the first stone" is not an exclusive line just for others. It includes you too, for self. Stop playing victim and release yourself. You've carried that anger, that guilt, that shame, that hurt for too long, as if it's part of your birthright, and that's not who God created you to be. 

It's funny how, in the beginning of this conversation, I talked about the saying that forgiveness was for yourself, not others, and I've given you two different examples about forgiveness for others and forgiveness for self. But if you really followed along, you'll see that in both places, forgiveness was really for me. I needed to forgive myself, even with my mother, where I thought that some of the decisions that she made, maybe at one point I probably felt like I needed an apology from her or an explanation or something like that. At the end of the day, when I realized that she is a person too, I had to release myself. I had to forgive myself from that facade of a thought that my mother was being intentional in those times that I would say probably negatively impacted me as a child. It was never her intent, and so I had that buildup of let me prove you wrong, let me show you how to do this. I had so much to prove, but the thing is I was only proving it to myself because here my mother was and my father rooting for me, being proud of me, still loving on me, but I'm missing all of these things because of past situations. So, even feeling like that, my mother needed to apologize to me. If somewhere in my mind I had that thought, that really wasn't the case. The forgiveness that was needed was for myself, because once again, the only person that I can control is myself, and I needed to look to learn how to become compassionate, understanding, loving and forgiving just as much for myself as I am for others. Once again, another game changer in my healing journey. 

So I will say no matter what you are seeking, if you really there, there really are times where you need. You may feel like you need that apology from someone else for doing you wrong, or whether it's a time where you need to forgive yourself. At any rate, you need to make sure that you're using your discernment. Discernment is key here, because everybody is moving on their own divine time and meaning is moving on their own divine time and meaning. Just because you are at this place in time in your life where you are trying to heal yourself from those traumatic things, you are doing the shadow work and the person who you think needs to be a part of that like you need an apology from somebody, or you need closure for someone. They may not be there yet, they may still be in their victim energy, they may still be in their toxic energy and so they're only going to show up just as that. So you're expecting them to be on the same level for you as you. You're expecting them to be able to apologize. You're expecting them to be able to understand where you are and what you need, but they're not going to be able to give you that. 

But if you use your discernment, your spirit will always tell you what's right, and sometimes the right and forgiving the unforgiving in others may just be doing it alone. You may just have to find that closure within yourself, okay. You may just have to find that closure within yourself, okay. So for this episode's self-discovery prompt, I'm going to help you with forgiving the unforgiving, whether that is for self, others or both. I know that this task may be a little uneasy for some, because it was definitely that for me, just because forgiving itself isn't always an easy thing, especially when it comes down to others. But I promise you it gets better and you can do this. I have done it and I know it works when you're intentional with it to conquer this part of your shadow, when you're intentional with it to conquer this part of your shadow. 

So the self-discovery activity is to write a letter. You're going to write a letter to whoever you feel like you need an apology from or you need to express yourself so you can obtain the forgiveness that you need to move forward, to find the closure that you need. Once again, with this, you are definitely going to need your discernment. You are going to need to exercise it, because once you write that letter, you have a couple of options. You have a couple of options, so if your discerning spirit says it's okay, this person is at a space where they are ready to hear you, where they are ready to acknowledge their wrongdoings, where they are ready to have a cordial conversation, then you can take that letter and read it. 

I always recommend to people that if you take the avenue of writing a letter to someone and you're expressing how they have done you wrong, how you need an apology, how it has infected your life, like all of these things, the letter should detail every little thing that you have held back for all this time, all the feelings, all the thoughts, all the emotions, and you can even speak to how these things have negatively impacted you in your life. And if your discerning spirit says to share this with someone, with the other person, with someone with the other person, use the letter to start the communication. Just because when we tend to write we tend to be more level-headed, clear and concise than we verbally, just you know, just speaking. Because sometimes it can tend to turn into emotions and you never really get to get your point across. Because now you're just acting out of pure emotions. Everybody you know is stirring up the anger again and stirring up those emotions on both sides and you don't get what you need to. So you write the letter and then you read it to this person. 

If you take this avenue, just know once again that you may not hear from that person what you need here, what you feel like you need here. That's not the goal. If you have someone that owns up to it, takes full accountability and they apologize, that is one of the most beautiful things and that is excellent. But just know that you might not get that. But the goal of this is not necessarily to get an apology from someone. The goal of this is to empty your shadow of that traumatic thing that has been holding you back for all these years. What that other person do with this information is between them and God. Ok, so I want you to keep that in mind. 

If this is a situation where you can't get the apology from this person or you, you know, because maybe your discerning spirit has said nope, don't even make contact, you're not going to get what you need. Or maybe this person may have passed on, maybe they're, you know, maybe they're dead and you can't physically get the closure that you need by writing this letter, still write it anyway. You write it like they are alive. You write it like you are speaking to them and again you pour out every emotion, everything that you felt, everything that you've held back, everything that you've hidden, everything that you would want to say to them. And then you take that letter and you read it. You read it out loud. You can look in the mirror. I've had some people who say, you know, looking in the mirror has been more helpful because they feel like they're truly addressing themselves as well as the other person. Whatever your preference is, but once you read it out loud, burn it. Read it out loud, burn it. 

Burning it is critical because, just as humans, sometimes we have a weird tendency to keep revisiting, like those hurtful texts, those hurtful letters, those hurtful conversations, cause we I don't know if we just want to see if it's still hurt the same, if that's our gauge to say whether they hurt or not, and that's not the way to do it. So when you write that letter to a person that you won't be able to get an apology for or you can't, you just know you're not going to get the closure from them, for whatever reason. Burn it, because that burning it is the end to all of the things that you have held back and in that burning, you release the energy that you've been holding tied to that traumatic emotion, thought, feeling, and you let that go. Things lost in the fire is what this burning is going to do for you. You are losing the part of you that you no longer need. It no longer serves you. Okay, all right. 

Last thing for this episode is our Reiki channel collective message. Like all things, if it resonates, let it apply. If it doesn't, let it fly. But don't let it fly too far, as these messages are also evergreen, just like our conversations, and may have future resonance with you, because best believe, as much as you may love me or love hearing my voice, you are not here by happenstance in this moment in time. The message for this week is be patient. 

You are right on the cusp of abundance, but currently you are going through something that feels like it's not going to happen. It's disguised with this abusive, almost like impulsive behavior, somebody determined to stop your progress, somebody determined to make sure that you are not successful. It's like you've been in this battle and you've been standing for what you believed in, like you were determined to get justice. I am going to tell you to find stamina, stamina. Continue to fight whatever injustice you are experiencing, because you're only dealing with delayed news Listen to me delayed, but not denied, okay. So you have to be patient, you have to be steadfast. Make sure that you keep your endurance up and your stamina because it's needed. It's needed, but you are going to see the fruits of your labor because you already have that good energy. You already have that abundant energy around you. It's almost like through, the universe is still cooking it up and making sure that this is just right for you. So keep fighting the good fight, because you're definitely going to have a good ending. All right, that is it. 

Beautiful souls, this is one episode I truly want to say. Thank you so much for sharing your time with me. Again, going back to my sister that "just as therapeutic for you"… this episode has shown up for me to show my healing and doing shadow work when it comes to forgiving the unforgiving, and you were the vessel for me. So I thank you for holding this space for me. Until next time, keep taking up space and refill yourself, because you can't pour shit from an empty cup. Take care.