Her Cup Overflows Podcast

Are You Losing Control or Being Called to Surrender?

• Qwanze Tolbert • Episode 10

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Feeling lost despite everything seemingly going well? Discover how a simple shift in perspective can change your life. After celebrating my bae's good news with a blissful beach getaway and navigating some unexpected family matters, I found myself struggling with feelings of discomfort and loss of control. This episode of Her Cup Overflows marks our 10th milestone, and I take you through my journey of understanding the crucial difference between losing control and surrendering to life’s unpredictability. Through an insightful therapy session, I learned to see life's disruptions as opportunities for growth rather than sources of anxiety.

In this episode, I share personal stories of transformation that highlight the profound impact of surrendering to a higher power. From overcoming health scares and securing a dream home to supporting my son through college, each step of my journey was divinely ordered once I let go of the need to control every outcome. Embracing the discomfort of change led to greater clarity and fulfillment, offering encouragement to anyone facing challenging times. Learn how relinquishing control can align you with your true path and open doors you never thought possible.

We also explore the power of stillness, solitude, and therapy in navigating life’s unexpected turns. Reflecting on an unplanned relocation that turned out better than imagined, I discuss whether we should force things to go our way or follow a gentle pull toward something new. This episode emphasizes the importance of speaking up to release pent-up energy and addressing unfinished business as a stepping stone to personal growth. Don’t miss out on our raffle giveaway celebration for the 10th episode and get details on how to participate for a chance to win a thoughtfully curated gift box. Follow our social media handles for updates, and remember to keep your cup full so you can continue pouring into others.

Speaker 1:

Welcome back to Her Cup Overflows podcast. I'm your host and cultured certified Reiki master, Qwanze Tolbert. If you're new here or you chose to circle the block with me, I thank you and welcome you just the same. Her Cup Overflows is a listening community of healing for the mind, body and soul. Each episode is a timeless conversation overflowing with wisdom to fill your cup with resilience, courage and empowerment. These conversations are inspired by real-life experiences, the traumas and the triumphs. But it wouldn't be a place for healing if I didn't hold a safe space for trauma, without judgment, but with accountability, honesty and commitment, because in those three things lies your superpower to overcome life's adversities, and that new energy becomes the catalyst to you living out loud, living freely and unapologetically, on your terms. That is Her Cup Overflows. Hello, hello, beautiful souls, it feels so good to be back and I apologize for the delay on this much anticipated, much celebrated 10th episode. This may not mean much to the next, but I say God did my callous voice because I didn't know where this idea of podcasting would take me. I just knew I had a calling with a purpose and the texts and emails I have received as part of this raffle giveaway have been absolute confirmation that I'm doing what I'm supposed to do and pun intended, baby y'all are refilling my cup. I'm super grateful, especially in the midst of life lately, because, let's just say, it's been lifing but not all bad, though like at all.

Speaker 1:

The first delay to this episode was because my sweets had gotten some really amazing news expected and unexpected. The unexpected part was like a component of the expected and it real it. It hyped the deal, it was real sweet and so it was just the right time to celebrate him. So we did. We did that with almost a week long beach getaway trip and it was everything. And then there were also some unexpected family news and matters that needed to be dealt with.

Speaker 1:

And in the midst of it all actually before any of this I have just been like going through it, trying to figure out whether I'm coming or going on most days, because I started to feel like I was losing control. And when I say losing control, I don't mean like with any particular thing, and control I don't mean like with any particular thing, it's just like I was becoming so uncomfortable just in life period and nothing was predictable anymore. Now you know the practical plan Capricorn and me was losing her shit through it. All right. The weirdest thing about me saying this out loud, in full ass, transparency and physically speaking, there was nothing for me to be uncomfortable about my relationship, my home, my family, businesses, all of that stuff, all good, but that just wasn't. I don't want to say it wasn't enough, because that sounds ungrateful, but something was just not doing it for me, like I was just becoming so uncomfortable, just existing every day. Honestly don't know if I felt like I was doing too much or doing too little in everything. So I had to take an intentional pause recently. It wasn't quite a fast, but it was enough for me to take inventory of myself and openly discuss it with my therapist.

Speaker 1:

And yes, sis, I am a true advocate for therapy. If I have not said it before, I don't care how old you are or where you are in life. It is essential to your mental health, your healing and just life altogether to be better at everything you do. At everything you do. Having a therapist is like having that platonic but intimate relationship with that good bestest, unfiltered Judy or Judith, who is going to tell you what you need and not what you want and not needed at in this impromptu session. So here's the thing I had to talk about this in therapy because this uncomfortableness if that's a word that I was feeling was actually very familiar, like I had been here before and I just really needed to talk through it. And that therapy session was so enlightened for me that it created this episode topic that I'm going to share and ask you are you losing control or surrendering?

Speaker 1:

Have you ever had those days, weeks or even months where life feels like it's spinning out of control? Maybe it's a series of like unexpected events, or maybe it's even like a quiet inner feeling, like a tugging internally that the path you're currently on isn't the right one. And in these moments, that's where we often question or feel like we are losing control of our life. We rarely ever think about is there something bigger at play? You know, as a human, control often feels like our safety net. We make plans, set goals and establish routines, all in an effort to maintain a sense of order. But what happens when life disrupts these plans, when things don't go as expected or when we feel pulled in a direction that wasn't part of the original plan? And for some, even like myself, this feeling of losing control is met with anxiety and fear. But what if, instead of resisting, we viewed it as an invitation, like a nudge from the universe or higher power guiding us towards a path we might not have chosen ourselves, guiding us towards a path we might not have chosen ourselves? So this leads to the question again is what we're experiencing a loss of control or is it an opportunity to surrender? And from my therapy session, I discovered I wasn't losing control. I was actually surrendering, hesitantly obviously, but surrendering nonetheless. So let me play back the familiarity of this feeling I was talking about before.

Speaker 1:

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Speaker 1:

Last year, around this same exact time, I was going through this same exact feeling. As part of my promotion into the corporate leader role I'm in today, I agreed to relocate to the Atlanta area, but only after my son graduated high school and was headed to college, so that would have been around August of last year. Well, because I'm a planner, I had long before picked the area I wanted to move to and had an idea on housing too, because we had to be very specific with it being that I was not only relocating myself, but my company, The Spiritual Tea Co., too. So I had everything mapped out, at least I thought. So let me go back a little earlier, in the year of 2023, around February.

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Sometime before that, I started having what I thought was heart issues. I started having what I thought was heart issues. It was more like chest pains, but you know us, if it's in the chest, it must be heart related. So between February to May, I had been to the emergency room twice and I had one visit to urgent care that led me to the emergency room because of chest pains. But everything was clear, like nothing was wrong. Every EKG, every MRI, every x-ray, blood panels, literally nothing, absolutely nothing was wrong. Like all the doctors are puzzled, this also included appointments with my PCP, my primary care physician, whether it was a scheduled appointment or like a follow-up appointment from those ER visits. Like nothing. They tested everything multiple times and everything is returning back like looking good. Returning back like looking good. So from that last ER visit, although once again all tests returned with no signs of heart related issues, I was referred to a cardiologist.

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Well, in between seeing the cardiologist, I told my PCP I'd like her to check my gallbladder, for two reasons At that time. I had recently seen a TikTok where a lady was describing her symptoms of having gallstones, which were very similar to mine, including the thinking you're experiencing some sort of cardiac arrest event. And some years ago I was having digestion issues and I remembered my PCP stating that we would run tests on my gallbladder but we never did and I guess that was because eventually my digestion issues went away, or so I thought so. Before I had my first appointment with the cardiologist, my PCP ordered me to have a sonogram done on my abdomen to check my gallbladder. And guess what? Y'all I had gallstones, and having gallstones obviously impacts your digestion, which impacts your everything between your throat to your stomach that are part of your eating digestion process. You know you have. You know, like when you have acid reflux, sometimes just eating something and you feel it in your chest. Well, that's exactly what was happening to me times 20 with gallstones. And then you throw my anxiety on top of that and I just knew I had one foot in the grave and one on a banana peel. I know like my family and friends was sick of me. Sick of me because the feeling was just disrespectful and I had to make it known to everybody. So, anyway, I'm now being referred to a general surgeon for gallbladder removal.

Speaker 1:

Well before going to see the general surgeon finally had my appointment with the cardiologist. Even though I now know it's gallstones, I still wanted to move forward with that appointment because I had created a fear or leveled up my anxiety for heart related issues since the beginning of this saga that I just needed to be sure. So I went through with it with seeing the cardiologist. So I go see the cardiologist and explain this whole story, because he too does an EKG on the spot and sees again absolutely nothing. So after explaining, he fully understands and says well, I'm still going to recommend you for a stress test just to make sure your heart is in top shape for surgery. So, mind y'all, I was low key, super happy, because, just keeping it real, we are living in a time where folks dying during surgery has unfortunately become a more common affair, and it's due to underlying heart issues, especially after COVID. So, boom, it's now June. I passed my stress test with flying colors, Nothing is wrong with my heart and I'm getting ready for surgery. And I'm getting ready for surgery Now.

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I was already damn near undone emotionally just going through the motions of getting to this point with knowing what was going on with my health and now having a solution in place, which was the surgery. But I was still feeling super uncomfortable because, even though I need this surgery that was scheduled for late June, this was a whole monkey wrench for me in my relocation plans. If I'm having surgery in late June, then that means I can't really do any moving until my recovery period, which was like mid September, was over and that was past my original plan date of moving. So I'm starting to feel real discouraged, like I'm losing control of my plans. I don't really know how to pivot from here, because the house we had settled on, we had a certain time to make a decision and move, or be paying a whole lot of extra unnecessary money. Then, speaking of the house, the realtor and I that I was working with she was very inconsistent in communication, so one minute we would be on the same page and all was good. And then the next minute I have to keep following up on her and certain things, and then she would be confused and not really knowing where things stand. Like it was just a mess. Not to mention my son has now graduated.

Speaker 1:

In between all of this, graduated high school, headed to college, and I really was in my feels. So I was a mess Like y'all, I kid you not. It got to a point I became so defeated one day I probably literally said fuck it. But in reality in my heart I just kind of gave up. What I didn't realize is I was opening myself to just surrender, no matter how it felt. I was surrendering and I gave it to God and literally y'all.

Speaker 1:

Everything at that point just started to make sense. I wasn't losing control. I was uncomfortable because my plans weren't his plans and my steps were being ordered to get to the thing that I had prayed for, but it just wasn't happening in the way that I wanted to happen. So I can't tell you how many times up until that point, a lot of things in my life was telling me that I needed to rest and relax, even my spirit, like just how I give you all collective messages. I get them all the time, even for myself, for others, for myself. And my spirit was already telling me I needed to rest and relax, like I was doing too much. I needed to relax, to rest.

Speaker 1:

But me, in my little productive, hard headed fashion, thought I had it all under control. It was my battle, I had to handle it, I needed to plan accordingly and well, look what happened. I was forced to sit down with surgery and when I sat down, everything literally just fell in place. And I say my steps were being ordered because, even though I was forced to rest with surgery, my mind was put to ease about having surgery, from the anxiety I had created about potential heart problems with the stress test. I'm pretty sure you all have experienced or know somebody that has. Typically, when you get ready to have surgery and you're not an elderly person, you won't get recommended for a stress test.

Speaker 1:

But all of these things happen. I had zero heart issues at all, but somehow I, in the middle of all this, go see a cardiologist and have to have a stress test, even though he find out like okay, it was gallstones, you about to have surgery. I'm still going to recommend this. That man didn't know I was stressing about that. That man didn't know I had a fear about, you know, going under surgery and could potentially have heart problems, even though every freaking test in the world and told me my heart was A1, heart problems, even though every freaking test in the world and told me my heart was a one. But it happened and I needed that, because now I'm at ease and I'm able to have my surgery, I'm able to have my sit down period and just not have that added weight to it. So now, boom, I have surgery and recovery went extremely well. I barely had any pain and I really was resting while in recovery for six weeks. Now we're not going to get into the aftermath of not having a gallbladder because y'all ain't worn your gussies Like who knew you needed to damn near carry a porta potty in your purse everywhere you go. Like if you know you know. Like do not recommend okay, only because of the aftermath.

Speaker 1:

But everything did start to fall in place, though. Like, seriously, we ended up getting a better house in the actual location that we thought about the first time, but we just thought it wouldn't work out in the timing that we had to get it. So we ended up getting a better house that we definitely wanted, with everything that we needed in the timing that we had to get it. So we end up getting a better house that we definitely wanted, with everything that we needed in the neighborhood that we desire. I was able to be home for a little bit longer as my son started college. At the same time. Right before he started college, like kind of towards the end of his senior year, he got a car and so you know he was a new driver and stuff like that. So I was able to still be in the area and just make sure that he got off to college successfully. You know, any fallout or anything that take place, I was still right there with them, even though now I'm not, you know, too far away, but still I was still right there at home. It just the timing was impeccable.

Speaker 1:

And then the time of the year where we actually did end up moving, which was months after I originally planned August, it was the absolute best. There was some other things that happened in between that was very necessary financially. That just made things so much easier less stress. So you know God doing what God does best in that moment, in that season for me and I was grateful in that moment in that season for me and I was grateful Anyway.

Speaker 1:

So recently wanted to tell you that backstory. Because here I am I won't say today, but like a little week ago, week or so ago, feeling that same uncomfortable feeling like I'm losing control just because I'm uncomfortable in this season. But when I took that step back and I assessed myself in the grand scheme of it all, no, I'm not losing control, I actually see light at the end of the tunnel and I can clearly tell where my steps are being ordered and I just needed to surrender and embrace the change. So I wanted to have this conversation to hopefully encourage one of you, because there's a lot happening in this world right now. We like we see it everywhere Everybody on social media talking about life is life and it's so much death that's coming to cause. It's so many businesses that is going out of business and so many people that were doing very well in life and at this point they are not for many different reasons. Jobs are being let go. The economy, with the inflation right now, is high as a giraffe's ass, and so we just all trying to adjust and get through.

Speaker 1:

So I just want to share this message, because you may be in a season where you are uncomfortable and where you feel like you don't have control of the situation, and where you feel like you don't want to. You don't know where to go next. But that may just be the thing. It is a season for you to just give up. Sometimes there is a season where you just need to let go. This ain't it's not about what you can do and how you can do it, because God can always do it better, no matter what we think. So it is time to surrender and embrace the change. So this brings me to the self-discovery action for this episode, especially if you are one of the ones in the heavy season right now and you just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Speaker 1:

A couple of things that I'll share with you that I did outside of therapy that really helped me to discern whether I was truly losing control just because I was uncomfortable, or was it another situation again where I was being called to surrender? So the first thing is check your inner dialogue, like what is your mind telling you in these moments Because, seriously, our mind is going to do what God designed it to do and it's either going to go into fight or flight mode. In either one of those can be a gift and a curse at any gift or a curse at any given moment. So, like at any gift or a curse at any given moment. So like, think about are you fixated on what's going wrong or are you open to the possibility that things might be happening for you rather than to you? That's definitely something to journal on. I like to take questions like that and journal more so than think about, because again, when you're in those thoughts, fight or flight mode will take over. And then now here you go down the rabbit hole or everything that's happening wrong and you're not really able to see the possibility or the silver lining and the opportunity. So I would say journal about it, because journal sometimes does give you like that third person perspective.

Speaker 1:

I would say the next thing is just being realistic and assess your resistance, like, are you fighting against the current, trying to force things to go your way? Because if you think about my plan, honey, I had it all laid out and it went nothing, nothing like I planned last year as I was getting ready to relocate and I'm so glad it didn't, because it went in a much better way that I didn't even imagine. So think about, like are you trying to force things to go your way, or are you feeling a gentle pull towards something different, even if it's uncertain? Because we don't always know the plan, but we do always know the calling. We do always know what our spirit or our inner knowing, that intuition, is telling you. So is it just calling you to do something different?

Speaker 1:

And then look for signs, right, sometimes life going to send us all kinds of signs, little nudges that suggest we're on the right path, even if it's not the one we originally planned. So just pay attention to these and ask yourself if they're leading you somewhere. Like, start putting the pieces of the puzzle together, even if you can't see the big picture yet. Just start putting those things together, because that helps to discern, like you know, what's the possibility here, and then to do all this fine stillness. You cannot do this with a chaotic mind. It's not going to work.

Speaker 1:

Again, that goes back to the whole fight or flight thing that your mind does. It's designed to do that. So you have to like, find those quiet moments and if you can't find them, create it Five, 10 minutes a day, whatever you have to do. Because when you allow yourself to be, still think about what do you feel Like? Is there a sense of peace in letting go, or do you feel more at ease? There a sense of peace in letting go, or do you feel more at ease when you're trying to control every aspect of your life? I can tell you the latter is probably going to be a lie because it's not realistic. We can't control everything and, quite frankly, you shouldn't want to.

Speaker 1:

Because, if you think about the story that I just told you, if things would have went my way, let's just say I had an option. I can choose to let God do his thing or I can choose to go in my plan. My plan probably would have worked. I probably would have relocated and been in the space that I you know that we chose at the time but would I have been satisfied with the end result when I got a chance to look back, like appreciating the opportunity that I could be there a little bit longer with my kid as he start off into his young adulthood? Right, my daughter even at the same time, you know, looking into her own space. So I was able to be home and do those mother-daughter things, like going shopping for her place and going to look for a place, altogether and just helping her make decisions and stuff like that. And yes, you could do these things long distance, but I, you know, I love having the opportunity to even be there Both my kids get ready to go off. I'm getting ready to be an empty nester, like you know all of these things.

Speaker 1:

So sometimes it's just peace in learning how to let go but also, at the same time, using your discernment to know when you are being called to take action and when you are being called to surrender. So if you are one of those in this heavy season and you just don't see the light, I highly recommend that you take an intentional pause. Check yourself right that what are you telling yourself in your mind? Are you really focused on what's wrong or are you really open to the possibility of what can be right? What is happening again, what is happening for you rather than to you? And then you know, check that resistance Like are you fighting it Cause you want things to happen in the way that you want it to be in in these moments, while you're assessing, find solitude, find quietude, so you can really have that clear mind, in that clear moment to just do a check-in with yourself. How do you feel? And again, since I am a huge, huge advocate for therapy, so if you got, you know, a therapist, definitely bring your therapist into. But if you don't and you have a resource or you have the resources to do that, do that, because that unfiltered advice that you could use, especially in a season like this, come in in the clutch. That's just it.

Speaker 1:

Ultimately, whether you see it as losing control or surrendering to a higher calling might depend on your perspective. So you know, it's something to consider. Maybe it's not an either or situation, maybe it's a bit of both. Right, maybe you do need to lose control so you can surrender, because otherwise we would think that we need to remain in control and life is full of uncertainties and while it's natural to want to steer the ship, sometimes the most profound growth comes when we allow ourselves to be carried by the waves. So, as you move through your own journey, I encourage you to pause and reflect. Are you truly losing control or is it possible that you're being called to something greater. And if it's the latter, can you find the courage to surrender, to trust and to see where this new path might lead? If this is your current season, I hope that you surrender with ease and grace, because I'm almost positive that's exactly what you need to get over this period of stagnation and into your greater next.

Speaker 1:

And I kid y'all not, this actually brings me to my Reiki collective message for this episode. As I always say, like all things, if it resonates, let it apply, if it doesn't, let it fly, but don't let it fly too far, as these messages are also evergreen, just like our conversations, and may have future resonance with you because, best, believe as much as you love me or love hearing my voice, you are not here by happenstance in this moment in time, and I say I kid y'all not, because spirit, like always know what's going on, right, and the collective message kind of goes hand in hand with this whole conversation, but there's actually a component to it that is specifically for somebody in a situation. So the collective message for this week is that there is somebody, somewhere, you are working hard but getting nowhere. Like there's some stress, you feel like the cross is too heavy to bear and the message that I got for you is let go, because when you let go, you are going to be re-energized, it's going to be an end of stagnation that you're feeling and there's going to be an opportunity for you to seize. But in this, when I say there's a component to this message or there's an action, let me say it that way, because the let go is not necessarily just, like you know, just giving up in a situation and surrendering, and let go is actually a little differently.

Speaker 1:

Whatever situation that you are in, you need to speak up. You need to speak up, you need to speak out. It says you need to speak on it. Okay, you need to speak on it because there's something that's happening in your space and you just working around it and you you just trying to make it work and that whatever that you are harboring or that you are holding in is draining your energy. You are still in this space because there are, there is unfinished business, but your only hearing is only unfinished because you have not spoken out. You need to do that. You need to tell your side of the story, you need to straight state the facts, you need to tell your, you need to share your opinion. You need to give that the facts. You need to tell your you need to share your opinion, you need to give that feedback. Whatever it is, you need to speak up, speak out and speak on it. I keep saying that because once you do that, that is your form of letting go. You're going to feel an energy that you've been waiting for to show up for you and the opportunity as well, so you can go into your next. So I hope that resonates with someone, cause that felt really good, like I don't know if you necessarily needed my permission, but if that was confirmation for you to speak up, to speak your piece, to keep your piece. Sis, do that, okay, do it unapologetically, cause that is the stepping stone to your next.

Speaker 1:

All right, so the last thing for this episode is talking about my raffle giveaway. You know I was talking about this raffle giveaway before in the last two episodes and because it's a part of this celebration for this episode, which is episode 10. Again, super grateful to still be here and sharing space and holding space for you all Beautiful souls listening to it. I did say I was going to do the raffle during this episode, but I'm actually going to hold off for a few days. I am going to do the raffle on my social media sites this Friday. It'll probably be a real recorded video or live, whichever takes place, cause in between I do need to still share the box, cause, lord, once again life has been life and got the gift box all ready to go, took pictures and all that good stuff. But I just really want to do a video so people can see the goodness that's in this, because it says it is worth it. Okay, totally worth it.

Speaker 1:

So, if you have not sent, share your comments via text or via my email address to enter this raffle Again. If you want to send via text, you can click on the link that's in each episode's description. It'll send me an anonymous text. So make sure that you are leaving your name, your first and last name and then also your area, just in case you are a person who has, like a more common name, want to make sure that I'm speaking to the right person and then tell me about your experience, tell me how an episode has resonated with you or has inspired you or whatever the case may be Like. The whole purpose of this is to give that overflow and to pour into you, so you can continue the abundant overflow and pour into others as you are on your healing journey. So you can also send that feedback or share your testimony via email to hercupoverflow@ gmail. com. That is overflow without an S, so hercupoverflow@ gmail. com.

Speaker 1:

So I'm looking forward to hearing from you. I've already heard so many great stories, testimonies, inspiration, all of the good stuff that just pours back into me. So make sure you are checking my socials. That's the Spiritual Tea Company. It's at the Spiritual Tea Co on IG and it's the Spiritual Tea Company on Facebook, as well as the Spiritual Tea Co on TikTok too, but you can also just Google us and you'll find all of those social media handles. But make sure you check those out on Friday if you have sent some feedback, because maybe you are one of the beautiful souls who will be gifted this amazing gift box that I'm so excited to give away. All right, that is it for this episode. As always, I thank you for sharing space with me. Until next time, keep taking up space and refill yourself, because you can't pour shit from an empty cup, take care.